If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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