Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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