I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
