wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
