I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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