I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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