You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
