He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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