i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
