omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
