I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
