I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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