if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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