i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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