Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
