She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
