it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
