"it" just moved
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
that is very illegal...i love you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
