3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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