Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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