JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
im holly from the hills drunk
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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