are you still at the devil's house?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
