While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
