I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
