Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
