Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
