So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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