I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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