Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
