Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
