we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
