i used baking grease as lip gloss
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
