I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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