I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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