She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
