Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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