Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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