Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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