"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
