The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
