Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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