my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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