You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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