Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
