I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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