Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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