Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
