umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
