Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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