I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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