im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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