he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
