Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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