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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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