just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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